the end

the end


(a page filled with text, no pictures)
I’ve many say they don’t believe I have it. It makes me feel good to know that I may have misdiagnosed. The diagnosis has been absolute hell for me. I’ve been discriminated against for work and other things because of people’s misconceptions.
I get the asshole remark, “Oh, you must be VERY high-functioning!” I consider that an asshole remark because, uh, first, I hate the term, and second, they don’t seem to realize that they’re simultaneously praising me for playing the game they insisted I play *and* implying that somehow the game-that THEY INVENTED-is easier for me than for other autistic people.
I have been told it does not affect me anymore, by a therapist. It angered me because it is so obvious to me, every day, how it affects me. People want to sweep it under the rug, like it is embarrassing, when I know it just IS.
Yes, by my mother. It made me angry and sad and frustrated, because I never stopped being autistic. I just learned how to get around in an NT wrld better. And, it made me angry, because it told me that she had totally written off the effort that it takes me to pass and thought that I didn’t put work into this at all.
i hide it alot but it would be nice if someone sead you don’t seem Auistic
it makes me feel erased, insulted, angry
In part I’m happy because it means that I was successful at passing, but also I’m upset because they are denying that the amount of work I put into making them feel more comfortable is legitimate.
All the time. And it makes me feel like they’re full of bullshit, because if I didn’t give off that vibe then they might actually treat me like a human being, but they don’t so obviously they’re lying and just trying to find another way to control and cut away at me.
All the time…and I love it!
People tell me their disbelief or that I’m recovered. They don’t know how hard things can get with my sensory issues. I feel erased by them.
I get worried about that because people might expect too much from me.
I get this a lot. I should be flattered by it, but I am not. Because the minute I start thinking of myself as normal something happens to let me know I am not. The people who say I am not autistic don’t know my history, don’t know my background, and quite frankly, only see what they want to see.
It angers me slightly because of the fact of everything that i have been through and the fact that these days i am pretending to be normal for them not myself and thats what hurts

(a page filled with text, no pictures)

I’ve many say they don’t believe I have it. It makes me feel good to know that I may have misdiagnosed. The diagnosis has been absolute hell for me. I’ve been discriminated against for work and other things because of people’s misconceptions.

I get the asshole remark, “Oh, you must be VERY high-functioning!” I consider that an asshole remark because, uh, first, I hate the term, and second, they don’t seem to realize that they’re simultaneously praising me for playing the game they insisted I play *and* implying that somehow the game-that THEY INVENTED-is easier for me than for other autistic people.

I have been told it does not affect me anymore, by a therapist. It angered me because it is so obvious to me, every day, how it affects me. People want to sweep it under the rug, like it is embarrassing, when I know it just IS.

Yes, by my mother. It made me angry and sad and frustrated, because I never stopped being autistic. I just learned how to get around in an NT wrld better. And, it made me angry, because it told me that she had totally written off the effort that it takes me to pass and thought that I didn’t put work into this at all.

i hide it alot but it would be nice if someone sead you don’t seem Auistic

it makes me feel erased, insulted, angry

In part I’m happy because it means that I was successful at passing, but also I’m upset because they are denying that the amount of work I put into making them feel more comfortable is legitimate.

All the time. And it makes me feel like they’re full of bullshit, because if I didn’t give off that vibe then they might actually treat me like a human being, but they don’t so obviously they’re lying and just trying to find another way to control and cut away at me.

All the time…and I love it!

People tell me their disbelief or that I’m recovered. They don’t know how hard things can get with my sensory issues. I feel erased by them.

I get worried about that because people might expect too much from me.

I get this a lot. I should be flattered by it, but I am not. Because the minute I start thinking of myself as normal something happens to let me know I am not. The people who say I am not autistic don’t know my history, don’t know my background, and quite frankly, only see what they want to see.

It angers me slightly because of the fact of everything that i have been through and the fact that these days i am pretending to be normal for them not myself and thats what hurts


I have seriously pondered the idea of just not talking anymore. I have even thought of the best way I could pull it off. I would either wait for a traumatic event or lie that I had been through one and then I would just not talk anymore.
I wanted to not feel uncomfortable and try not to show that I was pretending to be someone I’m not but at the same time I didn’t want to just run away and forfeit any opportunities that I may have had.
the reason for doing so is to avoid the consequences of people different, bullying, people staring, weird looks, discrimination there are so many
If I did not pass, I would lose my job and become one of the impoverished/homeless mentally ill. I am not into living at the local mission, thank you. I like my creature comforts.
I experience anxiety frequently but mostly due to the inability to function as desired.
I pass because it gives me a feeling of control over my mind.
I don’t want this to control my life. I want to be normal.
yes, i sometimes with there was something physical that everybody with autism would have, a mark of some sort i wouldn’t have to lie to pretend that i’m normal

I have seriously pondered the idea of just not talking anymore. I have even thought of the best way I could pull it off. I would either wait for a traumatic event or lie that I had been through one and then I would just not talk anymore.

I wanted to not feel uncomfortable and try not to show that I was pretending to be someone I’m not but at the same time I didn’t want to just run away and forfeit any opportunities that I may have had.

the reason for doing so is to avoid the consequences of people different, bullying, people staring, weird looks, discrimination there are so many

If I did not pass, I would lose my job and become one of the impoverished/homeless mentally ill. I am not into living at the local mission, thank you. I like my creature comforts.

I experience anxiety frequently but mostly due to the inability to function as desired.

I pass because it gives me a feeling of control over my mind.

I don’t want this to control my life. I want to be normal.

yes, i sometimes with there was something physical that everybody with autism would have, a mark of some sort i wouldn’t have to lie to pretend that i’m normal


Cutting is really important to me. I do it almost daily and it’s helped me process that I actually do have emotional problems, which is probably the single most important thing I’ve done for my mental health.
I used to have strong impulses to cut myself—not because I thought it would make me feel any better but because I thought that if I self-injured, people around me would recognize how hard I was working just to do things that they took for granted.
I’ve always had a fascination with crutches/being temporarily non-able-bodied, because I’ve seen people fall over themselves to help an injured person. I used to think that people would be friendlier if you were not able-bodied (visibly) and that it might be a way to make friends. But it’s not.
I often imagine becoming noticeably scarred or mutilated in some way (such as heavy facial scarring), not out of a desire to self harm but because it’s comforting to conceptualize myself as being far enough outside the standards of conventional attractiveness or appearance that I could just stop trying.

Cutting is really important to me. I do it almost daily and it’s helped me process that I actually do have emotional problems, which is probably the single most important thing I’ve done for my mental health.

I used to have strong impulses to cut myself—not because I thought it would make me feel any better but because I thought that if I self-injured, people around me would recognize how hard I was working just to do things that they took for granted.

I’ve always had a fascination with crutches/being temporarily non-able-bodied, because I’ve seen people fall over themselves to help an injured person. I used to think that people would be friendlier if you were not able-bodied (visibly) and that it might be a way to make friends. But it’s not.

I often imagine becoming noticeably scarred or mutilated in some way (such as heavy facial scarring), not out of a desire to self harm but because it’s comforting to conceptualize myself as being far enough outside the standards of conventional attractiveness or appearance that I could just stop trying.


no because i try… :/ to hide the fact eg stimming and the things i talk about this means i dont talk mutch and dont have any friends :(
I am actually at a point now where I rarely leave the house because I don’t have the energy to pass.

no because i try… :/ to hide the fact eg stimming and the things i talk about this means i dont talk mutch and dont have any friends :(

I am actually at a point now where I rarely leave the house because I don’t have the energy to pass.


(Eclipses)
When I go out in public, I feel like a disgrace because I am autistic. I have been told that I do a relatively good job of passing as normal, but in my head I feel paranoid and I always believe that people view me as a disgrace, even though I know it is probably not true.
I tend to avoid stimming in public, because I worry about getting stared at or people asking questions.
I say no to things I would like to do because I know that doing them would lead to me being stressed after a while and therefore acting more autistic.
Less now, but yes. Usually there are things having to do with things that are harder for me to either understand and perform at, or harder to control myself with. So I’ll say no to, say, watching a tv show or talking about a book I like with someone, because I know I’ll let myself go and I can’t handle the way they get cold and back off. Or I’ll say no to a hike, because all the movement and coordination is hard and I can’t keep up or look normal for it and I certainly can’t ejoy myself.
(If you can’t control your weirdness entirely, you can at least keep people from having to see it.) But that’s not a useful strategy for an adult. My instinct to pass through invisibility probably in itself makes me look weird.
Too needy, too weird, too demanding. I wish I didn’t need so much help.
people are always judging me, for the way i act, what i say, and what i think. it hurts a lot, and sometimes i do think of myself as a lover. i get jealous of certain people because i may not be able to do what they do.
I kind of switch between periods where anxiety is my dominant emotion and other times it’s depression.

(Eclipses)

When I go out in public, I feel like a disgrace because I am autistic. I have been told that I do a relatively good job of passing as normal, but in my head I feel paranoid and I always believe that people view me as a disgrace, even though I know it is probably not true.

I tend to avoid stimming in public, because I worry about getting stared at or people asking questions.

I say no to things I would like to do because I know that doing them would lead to me being stressed after a while and therefore acting more autistic.

Less now, but yes. Usually there are things having to do with things that are harder for me to either understand and perform at, or harder to control myself with. So I’ll say no to, say, watching a tv show or talking about a book I like with someone, because I know I’ll let myself go and I can’t handle the way they get cold and back off. Or I’ll say no to a hike, because all the movement and coordination is hard and I can’t keep up or look normal for it and I certainly can’t ejoy myself.

(If you can’t control your weirdness entirely, you can at least keep people from having to see it.) But that’s not a useful strategy for an adult. My instinct to pass through invisibility probably in itself makes me look weird.

Too needy, too weird, too demanding. I wish I didn’t need so much help.

people are always judging me, for the way i act, what i say, and what i think. it hurts a lot, and sometimes i do think of myself as a lover. i get jealous of certain people because i may not be able to do what they do.

I kind of switch between periods where anxiety is my dominant emotion and other times it’s depression.


(The moon through branches)
I sat through a fifteen-minute spiel in which I was told (among other things) that autistic people were “so weird,” that we were more visible because “they let them interact more with human culture now,” that executive dysfunction was “another word for personality,” that “prevention should always be the first goal,” and that autism was a terrible condition for parents. I nearly cried on the way home because a person I had previously greatly respected and quite liked had just unknowingly made her opinions on people like me very clear, and because it was so likewise clear that she did not think someone like me could possibly have been listening.

(The moon through branches)

I sat through a fifteen-minute spiel in which I was told (among other things) that autistic people were “so weird,” that we were more visible because “they let them interact more with human culture now,” that executive dysfunction was “another word for personality,” that “prevention should always be the first goal,” and that autism was a terrible condition for parents. I nearly cried on the way home because a person I had previously greatly respected and quite liked had just unknowingly made her opinions on people like me very clear, and because it was so likewise clear that she did not think someone like me could possibly have been listening.


(Stars on one side and two small pictures of comets on the other side.)

It can suck to be seen as the normal one, even though that’s usually my goal, if people take that as an excuse to badmouth less normal people to me.

when I’ve met these kids, I’ve seen them as similar to me, but nobody else has seen me as being in any way similar to them. It is often very upsetting.

It upsets me a lot because I feel like people are talking to me about me but without knowing it’s about me, and I have to decide whether to let them know or keep passing.

I wish people could see that my friend and I are both autistic, that I’m autistic like him.

hate it, because people talk about them, and tell them to act normal, and wonder why they are different, and i want to stand up for them, tell all of the neurotypical people to back off, and quit treating the other people like they are less of a person. but i cant do that without publicly identifying with them, and i’m afraid to do that.

At my current job, there are two autistic people and several Intellectually disabled people who are seen as severely disabled but I am not seen as disabled at all. It upset me when people expect me to join in mocking them. I fear to object might mean jeopardizing my job, that it might lead to losing access to food, shelter, and healthcare so I just walk away. It benefits me to pass but to me it is a necessary evil.

I’ve been an aide for other disabled people before. It feels like being a double agent or a spy behind enemy lines.


I hope everyone who was interested in this knows that I haven’t even gotten close to posting all of it (and this version isn’t the only version I will ever make), but I literally can’t do so now because I’m working at a sleepaway camp and only have a few hours free a day, plus very slow wireless.

if you want, you can direct questions to 203 247 7856 between 3-4:30 and 9-11 PM EST, otherwise I am indisposed.

love, awfv


(Tall pine trees against a green sky.)
I’m less embarrassed to say things like “I have a mood disorder” and “I have a learning disability” than to say “I’m autistic,” by far.
Even today, I have difficulty admitting the extent of the educational accommodations I received during my school days. That a student who graduated with high honors and entered college as a sophomore was also a “special needs” kid is something that even my studying of disability theory has not helped me fully reconcile. I am actually more comfortable affirming my identity as autistic than revealing learning disability as part of my experience of autism.
when I’m with my friends who are also disabled but don’t pass as much as I do, I sometimes worry about how people perceive me because I am with them. This makes me feel bad about myself because I always felt very hurt when my non-disabled friends said similar things about me.
don’t usually tell people about being on meds, because then they will often discount what I say and not trust me
Autistic Passing Project, May 2011, collected by Amanda Forest Vivian, written by anonymous people on the autism spectrum. The pages are from National Audubon Society First Field Guide: Night Sky. If you wrote something that was used and you don’t want it to be on the Internet just tell me in my askbox (http://fourloves.tumblr.com/ask) and I will remove what you wrote from the image and transcript.

(Tall pine trees against a green sky.)

I’m less embarrassed to say things like “I have a mood disorder” and “I have a learning disability” than to say “I’m autistic,” by far.

Even today, I have difficulty admitting the extent of the educational accommodations I received during my school days. That a student who graduated with high honors and entered college as a sophomore was also a “special needs” kid is something that even my studying of disability theory has not helped me fully reconcile. I am actually more comfortable affirming my identity as autistic than revealing learning disability as part of my experience of autism.

when I’m with my friends who are also disabled but don’t pass as much as I do, I sometimes worry about how people perceive me because I am with them. This makes me feel bad about myself because I always felt very hurt when my non-disabled friends said similar things about me.

don’t usually tell people about being on meds, because then they will often discount what I say and not trust me

Autistic Passing Project, May 2011, collected by Amanda Forest Vivian, written by anonymous people on the autism spectrum. The pages are from National Audubon Society First Field Guide: Night Sky. If you wrote something that was used and you don’t want it to be on the Internet just tell me in my askbox (http://fourloves.tumblr.com/ask) and I will remove what you wrote from the image and transcript.